August 14, 2009
‘Till Death Do Us Part. No, seriously.
I would be surprised if this woman didn’t end up divorced:
It’s undeniable that marriage and relationships in general look nothing like they did 40 years ago. What’s happened? Women’s lib, skyrocketing divorce rates, the death of the nuclear family — and that’s just for starters. The whole game has changed.
Sometimes I think that each generation exhibits a reactionary trend to their predecessors.
I am part of the “divorced parents” era. Although my parents are still married, about 60 percent of all people I meet my age come from broken homes. While this phenomenon didn’t necessarily make us “anti-marriage,” it has certainly made us “marriage cautious” or “marriage disillusioned.”
As a modern woman I know the statistics — if I ever do tie the knot, I know it ain’t gonna be all sunshine and roses. And that’s why I plan to be as sure as I can possibly, possibly be.
Before I exchange any vows, I’ve made a vow to myself: I MUST live with someone before I marry them. I’m not alone in this thinking. About 70 percent of couples are cohabiting before marriage these days, according to research from the University of Denver.
The provocation for the article, which she didn’t get to until the end–after telling the great story about her and her boyfriend living together, but that didn’t work out–was a University of Denver study that found cohabitators, contrary to popular opinion, are more likely to get a divorce rather than less likely. I’ve heard it all before. “We need to live with each other to know if it will really work out.” Unfortunately, that is often a sign that it won’t work out.
I know plenty of people that have lived together before marriage. I’m not going to act like it always ends in divorce, because it doesn’t. But, why increase the odds against you? For someone like me, the odds are already against me. My parents were divorced, which makes me more likely to get divorced. I have often said the next man I live with will be my husband (other than the guy I rented a room from several years ago–which didn’t last long, the only other men I have lived with have been my brothers and my father). Living with men isn’t easy. Why would any woman want to put up with that without the ring?
I wonder if the author ever stopped to think that it was “women’s lib” that caused the skyrocketing divorce rates and death of the nuclear family. I mean, it is undeniable that they played a role. Feminists, especially at that time, were vehemently against housewives. Every woman was supposed to go out, get a career, be independent, and put “me” first. Maybe, just maybe, that contributed to the downfall of the nuclear family and the skyrocketing divorce rates. I’m just sayin’.
I don’t really think the problem with the generations who have been increasingly cohabiting before marriage are not, necessarily, more likely to get a divorce just because they lived together before marriage. It’s what it says about you and your relationship if you feel you have to live with someone before marriage. If you really feel that you need to “test drive the car” before you purchase it, then maybe you don’t really want that car. The need to live together is already a sign of a commitment issue, whether that’s about the relationship itself or just the individuals in the relationship.
A major part of the problem is how we view marriage. We don’t view it as an unbreakable vow made to our spouse and ourselves. We no longer view it as a life long commitment. For too many people getting married has become the equivalent of throwing the dice: who cares if it doesn’t work out? When people get married for the first time it’s seen as just that, the first time. We call it their “starter marriage.”
Our parents, and even more so our grandparents, didn’t have this view of marriage. When things got tough, no one packed up and got going. Marriage is great, but it also sucks. There are going to be bad days, months, and years. That doesn’t matter, though. You’re married. Happiness and unhappiness are part of the territory. Ask your grandparents about it. I’m sure they’ll tell you that there were times they just wanted to kill each other. That they hated each other. That didn’t matter, though. They were married. End of story.
I’m reluctant to get married, too. I used to think I was anti-marriage, and many people still make that assumption about me. I was talking to a friend about it, once, and he said that I’m not against marriage, it’s that I take it so seriously I’m cautious. I guess that’s true. I know when I say my vows that it is for life. I often joke that my husband will have to kill me or himself because he’ll have no other way out. Well, not with no-fault divorce laws in place. I guess he’ll be able to pack up and leave me anytime he wants. That doesn’t mean I won’t still kill him, though.
Side Note: People have said, “what if hes says he’s gay?” Um, that’s not my problem. That would be his. He had an affair? I would kill him; no problem there. He ever hit me. Once again, he would be dead. In fact, most hypotheticals proposed to challenge me on this would result in the man’s death, so there’s no need for me to continue here.
See, I think when you marry someone they become your family. There might be years you can’t stand them, but they’re family and you can’t get rid of family. I have three brothers and a sister. Trust me, there are times when we all want to kill each other. There are times when this one doesn’t talk to that one. The silent treatment can last for years. But, we’re all still family. No matter how much hurt and anger might be there, there is still that love. I can’t just choose not to be their sister anymore. That’s how I view marriage. My husband will be my family and I can’t just choose not to be his wife anymore.
We have idealized marriage and romance. We selfishly only care about our happiness in the moment. We think we should be happy every minute of every day. The minute marriage gets tough or uncomfortable, we split. Too bad if we destroy our children’s lives. We don’t care. It’s all about us. We’re not happy and we have a right to be happy, except we don’t. Marriage is hard work and requires sacrifice. That is not something most people today are willing to do. And, a lot of this is a direct result of “women’s liberation.”
I wouldn’t be in a relationship with a man I couldn’t see marrying. And, if I could see myself marrying him, I don’t need to live with him first. I know that living with someone is the hardest thing you can do. I’ve lived with a couple of friends and I have said that if a friendship can survive living together, it can survive anything.
I know that there are things that you learn about someone when living with them that you wouldn’t learn about them otherwise, but are you really going to learn something that would deter you from marrying them? Are you worried that after you married your boyfriend you’ll have to divorce him because he leaves his dirty boxer shorts on the floor? If so, you shouldn’t be getting married, anyway.
I just think that people are too flippant when it comes to marriage. No one takes it seriously. There is no honor, anymore. The divorce rates just prove that you can’t take people at their word. That overwhelming feeling that consumes you on your wedding day isn’t going to still be there five, ten, or fifteen years later. That doesn’t change, anything, and doesn’t mean you should get a divorce. And, if you really feel you need to live with a person in order to determine whether or not you should marry them, I can save you the trouble. You shouldn’t marry them because either they’re not the one for you or you’re not ready. The sad part is, for too many people, they’ll never be ready.
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My wife and I have been married for 21 1/2 years now. We’ve attended many weddings in that time and my wife can only think of one outside of our family that didn’t end in divorce.
The reason is exactly what you said attitude. I am very Roman Catholic, my wife was a cafeteria catholic who over the years got out of the cafeteria and started practicing.
To us marriage is about commitment in good times and in bad, the first two months are easy, it’s that 3rd month when you have to get used to each others personal habits that is the first of the test.
The heart of marriage is that you don’t stay with your spouse because they never annoy you, you stay with your spouse despite it.
You are exactly right about the living together bit, all that does is give the man the rewards without risk and the excuse if he eye wanders after all it not like we’re Married or something.
The devaluation of marriage is one of the cultural trends that have happened in my lifetime. The defining down of it has cost society and will continue to do so. People need to be hit with the cluebat, life is hard and you are not going to always be happy and content, it’s mostly work and struggle with some playtime in between.
Once people figure that out, they’ll find it better not to go through that struggle alone.
Comment by datechguy — August 15, 2009 @ 10:17 am